Who are we when everything changes?

Let’s start this one off with a quote.

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man.” - Heraclitus

Heraclitus was one of the early philosophers, all the way back in the 6th century BC, even before Socrates. Here he is, thousands of years ahead of our time, using a perfect metaphor from nature to remind us that life is in a constant state of flux….and so are we.

Right now, we might be in the midst of so much change that it feels less like a calming river and more like a white water sloshfest. The challenges are swirling around us that all we can do is hold on.

Are we ready?

Ideally, when we think of change, it’s supposed to feel expansive and exciting. A new chapter, a fresh start, new freedom.

But sometimes, it doesn’t feel like that at all.

Sometimes it feels like loss. Loss of control, of direction, of the version of us that we’ve always known. Because while our environment or the logistics might change, often it’s our identity that suffers a big hit. Suddenly the person that we have been up until that point may feel somewhat obsolete.

But we’re not obsolete. Instead, we’re becoming something new - a reinvention, an evolution. A step forward rather than a step backwards.

Heraclitus’ quote reminds us that both our environment and our sense of self are constantly evolving. The river (life) is in motion. But more subtly, we are also shifting emotionally, mentally, even biologically. Our identity isn’t a fixed structure, especially if we’re subscribers to this newsletter - in a constant state of growth. (PS - thank you for being here!)

And change doesn’t always knock politely on our door to gently announce itself. Sometimes it smashes in through the roof while we’re watching Netflix.

In times of big change, such as retirement, career shifts, parenthood, loss, we often cling to who we were, or how we defined ourselves. But Heraclitus invites us to see identity not as something to preserve, but something to adapt with. And that is profound resilience.

Why change hits hard.

Change is hard for a reason. It’s how our brain is wired. Here’s what’s actually happening under the hood.

Our brain loves patterns. Neuroscience tells us the brain is a prediction machine. It craves routine because routine means safety. When we know what to expect, our brain can conserve energy which helps us stay in control.

Change is energy-intensive. New situations require new neural pathways and often new skills (both mental and physical). This takes effort and our brains can often throw internal tantrums, demanding that we don’t need to do it. Think of what it feels like when we’re already exhausted and a last minute task is thrown at us. It feels like that!

We’re wired to avoid uncertainty. The unknown triggers the amygdala which is the part of our brains responsible for fear and survival. Even positive change can feel threatening, because it disrupts the familiar. Sometimes “new” can read “danger”.

Identity is a sticky thing. The roles we play as leaders, parents, partners, providers etc….they become part of how we see ourselves and the world. It’s as if our identity is emotionally encoded so we feel that way instead of just think it. When those roles shift or disappear, it can feel like we are disappearing too.

Real-life ideas to navigate the whitewash.

It’s great to say that change is an opportunity to grow, but try convincing someone who just lost their job, or has a severe injury, to look at it as a blessing.

I’m not here for a pep talk. Instead I like to think of these ideas as thought-starters to see things differently.

Here are three tools I’ve discovered for dealing with change.

1. The identity anchor. When the external labels fall away, we need internal reminders. Who are we deep down at our core? Are we teachers, helpers, supporters, or something else entirely? Even when things are changing, we are still _________ (fill in the blank). Perhaps we are curious, brave, honest etc. It sounds simple, but this anchors us in truth rather than titles.

2. Micro-moves. I’m a big believer in small changes consistently. When change hits, we don’t need figure it all out today. We need to get back to what’s important right now and make that move. It doesn’t need to be a fix - it needs to be one thing that creates momentum. Tiny consistent actions signal our nervous system that we are in control. And sometimes the next step is to stop and sit for 90 seconds…..

3. A 90-second reset. When our body’s in a spiral, it’s difficult for our brain to reason with us. Research from Dr Jill Bolte Taylor tells us that, when an emotion hits us, our body floods with all sorts of chemicals. What Taylor suggests is that those chemicals flush out within 90 seconds. So we need to do whatever we can to give our bodies that 90 seconds. Let’s consider it as an investment in our wellbeing to let those seconds wash over us and try not to react. When the panic hits, we let the wave rise and crash. It will pass.

Change doesn’t erase us. It reveals us. But only if we know how to hold onto the parts that matter, while letting go of the parts that don’t.

That’s the tension. It’s where the real work lies.

Summing up (still with the river metaphor), resilience is about learning to wade in, steady our breath, and find our footing, even as the water whips around us. It's our ability to let go of old definitions of who we "should" be, and embrace who we are becoming.

We're not supposed to be the same person. We’re designed to evolve, adapt, re-start over and over. That is our strength. And that is our resilience.

Until next time friends, stay fluid. Stay resilient.

Carre @ Resilient Minds

PS - change management is one of the themes I cover off in workshops. If you or your team is going through significant change, hit the reply button and let’s set up a chat to manage that uncertainty with energy and resilience.