The other R word

There’s an old saying: “If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.” And while I believe in personal ownership, here’s the paradox I’ve learned on my resilience journey: we also need help.

Resilience isn’t just about how strong we are. It’s also about how supported we are.

I invest a lot of time helping people build the internal tools of resilience (mindset, habits, emotional regulation, gratitude etc). These are all extremely valuable tools. But there is one additional tool that wields immense power, especially when we might be running low on the energy to execute.

The power of relationships and social connection.

I’m talking about real human connection. Not likes and follows, but the kind built face-to-face, with family, friends, and colleagues.

Even the most successful people will tell you they didn’t get there by themselves.
In fact, one of my favourite lines on this comes from my idol Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I have a rule. You can call me Schwarzie. You can call me Arnie. But don’t ever call me a self-made man.”

What he’s reminding us of is a fundamental piece of what it is to be human. We are all in this fight called life, and we all need relationships and support to help us achieve whatever greatness we desire. Yes, we need to do the work, but ultimately we are part of a greater whole.

The truth about Kilimanjaro.

I often start my workshops with a story from my climb up Mount Kilimanjaro. It’s a defining moment in my life, and the catalyst for the work I do now. It was physically exhausting, emotionally overwhelming, and deeply humbling.

The short version is that I made it to the top. It wasn’t easy. It definitely wasn’t pretty. But I did it.

The truth, though, is that I had help. A lot of help.

There were the porters carrying my gear, the guides who helped me acclimatize, the friends who slowed down when I needed to catch my breath. There was even the one lovely trekker who threw me some much needed TP in a moment when I discovered a new meaning of vulnerability.

Yes, I did the training and I was the one who took the steps. But I wonder sometimes whether I would have made it without even one of those people in my corner?

I’m honestly not sure. It’s one of the things I love to think about - that razor’s edge of life where the line between failure and success might come down to one tiny action or moment. It reminds us to pay attention!

Because it could also be us providing the support someone else needs.

The science - why we’re wired for connection

Human beings are biologically designed for community. Thousands of years ago, if you were cast out of the tribe, your chances of survival dropped dramatically. That’s why our brains are hardwired to seek belonging. It’s not just a social desire; it’s a survival mechanism.

In fact, research shows that strong social connections are the #1 predictor of resilience. More than income. More than education. More than even physical health. Think about that for a second - social connection literally protects the brain and body under stress.

Additionally, Harvard’s decades-long ‘Study of Adult Development’ found that the strongest predictor of long-term happiness and health wasn’t career success or wealth. It was the quality of close relationships.

We survive in groups. We thrive in groups. And when life gets hard, our ability to bounce back is often tied directly to the strength of our relationships. Even perceived support (knowing someone’s there if we need them) boosts resilience.

So, how do we use this info?

Here are two simple but practical ways to strengthen the relationships that build resilience, in both our personal life and our teams.

Invest in micro-moments. We often think trust is built through grand gestures, but I believe its the tiny, consistent moments that matter most. Simply saying “good morning” or asking how someone really is can be a micro-moment that makes a difference in their day and adds another loop in the knot of friendship. Pair this with genuine gratitude for someone helping out on a recent project and they really start to add up. These micro-moments of connection create psychological safety which is a key factor in team resilience and high performance.

Normalize asking for help. This is a big one. Most of us have internalized the idea that asking for help is a weakness. In reality, it’s the opposite. How do we make it normal to say, “I’m struggling a bit today, can you help?” The more we reduce the stigma around help-seeking, the stronger our teams become. It works in personal relationships too. One of the things my wife and I sometimes do is talk about what percentage we have to give. If I get home after a difficult day and and share that I only have about 10% to give, she usually responds with understanding to pick up my slack. But if I don’t tell her, then she’;s not able to help. Being able to do this with colleagues in a work environment would be a game-changer - it’s the fuel that sparks resilient teams!

Resilience isn’t a solo pursuit. It’s a shared practice.

We still need to show up.
We still need to do the work.
But we don’t have to do it alone.

Until next time friends, stay resilient.

I’m with you.
Carre @ Resilient Minds

PS - There’s a long list of reasons for why it’s critical to invest in building resilient teams, so if you’re interested in a team workshop to get your resilience firing on all cylinders, let’s connect.