Suffering = pain x resistance

It’s a formula that comes to mind often when I’m stuck in traffic. I’m in the middle of something annoying and suffering as a result. And then I remember that I’m causing the suffering.

The frustration mounts as I sit there, inching along, feeling the time (that I don’t have) slipping away. I spend energy cursing the moment, questioning why the universe is conspiring against me to cause this delay.

And then this tool kicks in - the reminder of the formula that suffering = pain x resistance. I understand that my frustration is caused not by the traffic itself, but by my resistance to it.

Pain is inevitable. It's part of being human. Illness, loss, failure, conflict. None of us are immune to pain.

But resistance? That’s the part we add.

A quick Buddhist parable.

One day, the Buddha asked his students: “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?”

The students replied, “Yes, it is.”

The Buddha continued, “If that person is struck by a second arrow, does the situation become even more painful?”

Again, the students nodded. “Of course.”

Then the Buddha said: “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. Pain is inevitable. But the second arrow is our reaction to the pain. It is our anger, our fear, our judgment, our resistance. And that second arrow is optional.”

Mic drop!

Resistance is the inner tension we apply to what already hurts. It’s the tight grip we form when we say, “This shouldn’t be happening.” It’s the mental spin cycle of “Why me?” “What if?” or “This is unfair.” It’s the way we try to outrun pain or deny it.

And the more we resist… the more we suffer.

We resist sadness because we don’t want to feel weak.
We resist change because we crave certainty.
We resist vulnerability because we’re afraid it makes us an easy target.

But resistance doesn't protect us. It actually prolongs the pain.

So what does it look like to reduce resistance?

When I catch myself resisting pain, whether in traffic or in tougher moments at work or home, I come back to a few simple tools. They don’t eliminate the pain, but they help me loosen my grip on suffering.

1. Name what’s true. It’s one of my mantras that language matters, and in this case it creates clarity around the real issue. When we resist something, we often don’t fully name it. We avoid the feeling, sugarcoat the reality, or distract ourselves. Instead, practice naming what’s actually going on. As an example, when I am pissed off in traffic, I ask myself why I am so frustrated and the answer is usually something like “I have too much going on right now and I’m losing control of what I can manage.” It’s an immediate reset on the moment, recognizing that it’s not the traffic that is the issue, but something bigger. Now I can get to work on the solution.

The same can be said in the office. A prospective client that we’ve been working on for the last two months suddenly ghosts us. It’s brutal, and it hurts. But as soon as we start taking it personally, it feels even worse. Instead, let’s name the issue - “this other person must have something serious going on for them to behave like this, and that’s their issue, not ours.” Now we can channel our energy into something productive. If we get it out with language, the language creates clarity, and that clarity reduces resistance.

2. Create softness around the edges. This is something I’ve learned from mindfulness practice. Instead of tightening up when something uncomfortable arises, anything that creates some space around the issue will soften the moment in several respects.

It’s honestly as simple as taking a slow deep breath, or even relaxing our shoulders, unclenching our jaw, or putting a hand on our chest and saying, “This isn’t what I wanted, but I can manage it.”

That small act is a powerful act of compassion. When we stop bracing against pain, we create space to process and eventually move forward. So, the next time a colleague struggles to deliver clear communication and it creates more work for us, remember to take a second to find some space. Only from there can we find a way forward.

3. Be kind. When we’re in pain, our inner critic tends to take over. Instead of pushing through or shutting down, we can look for the next kindest thing we can do for ourselves or for others.

It’s almost a selfish act to think about what we can do for others, because it inevitably makes us feel better. Suddenly we’re not suffering anymore because we feel energy and optimism that we’re improving the world slightly.

Maybe it’s drinking some water, calling a friend, or stepping outside. We can choose one small act of kindness and help redirect the energy from resistance to impact. That shift matters.

In the end, pain will come, but suffering is the multiplier we don’t need.

I want to be clear that reducing resistance doesn’t mean giving up or giving in. It means choosing presence over avoidance, compassion over control and movement over paralysis. Only then can we move forward with resilience.

Until next time friends, stay resilient.

Carre @ Resilient Minds

PS - If you want to explore these tools with your team, I’d love to bring these practices to life in a workshop. Just hit reply or drop me a note and we can create something meaningful together.