The pain we add to pain

I’m writing this from Melbourne, where I’ve been spending time with my parents. My dad is not doing very well, currently in a fierce battle against pancreatic cancer.

Any cancer is bad, but pancreatic is particularly nasty. There’s a lot of physical pain and discomfort and the medication is harsh as well. One supportive practice for managing his pain is meditation, so today I went to a meditation session with him.

It was lovely. A peaceful hour in the suburbs with the session held at a Buddhist facility nestled amongst houses. The room was filled with people there for a variety of different reasons, cancer just one of them. Sitting there with my eyes closed beside him, breathing quietly, I found myself thinking about the power of meditation.

I’ve been meditating for about 20 years, but I tend to have pockets of inactivity. It’s usually in those pockets that frustrations tend to resurface. I always seem to notice when I am not meditating.

And, seeing how my dad responded to this meditation session, it reinforced how slowing the mind is good for many things, including how it can help us sit with pain differently.

Pain runs at different depths

Pain hurts, but pain is more than just the physical kind. In fact, the physicality of it is often just the first layer. That’s the layer that includes the aches, the pressures, and the discomfort in the body.

But then there’s another layer. This is the emotional layer. That is where the fear kicks in, perhaps the sadness associated with the predicament, frustration, worry, grief, whatever…it’s all connected to a greater story that we don’t want this thing to be happening.

And sometimes that second layer can become heavier than the first.

I’m not suggesting physical pain is imagined. Far from it. I’m saying painful experiences often move beyond the body. They collect fear, anger, resistance, helplessness and exhaustion along the way.

And so, if we can see those layers more clearly, we can begin to work with them more gently. That’s where meditation can help. It allows us to notice first, and then pay attention where necessary.

The two arrows.

There is a Buddhist parable that captures this idea beautifully: the two arrows.

The first arrow is the unavoidable pain of life. This can include illness, loss, injury, or grief. The things none of us fully escape. We are bound to get hit with this first arrow a few times in our lives.

The second arrow is the suffering we add on top. This can include the mental struggle, the resistance, the notion that life is unfair. The second arrow is the story we build around the original wound. And the second arrow hurts even more because it adds to the first.

The parable is a visual reminder that we often get hit by the first arrow, and then, without realizing it, we shoot ourselves with the second.

Sitting beside my dad today, I thought about how rarely we are taught not to fire that second arrow. We live and operate on autopilot for a great deal of our life, jumping from one item to another, here there and everywhere. We never really take a breath to pause and even notice the second arrow we hit ourselves with.

Resilience practice can help us learn how not to fire that second arrow. It gives us a way to pause, notice what we are adding to the pain, and choose a softer response. Here are a few tools that I’d like to suggest can help.

1. Meditate with the pain, not against it.

   Meditation is not going to make our pain disappear, but it can help to change the relationship we have with it. Instead of tightening around it, we can notice and name the pain. That small act of naming creates space between the sensation itself and the fear that often gathers around it. Pain (and the second arrow) loves to drag us into the future. Meditation brings us back to this breath, this room, this hand we are holding, this one moment we are being asked to meet. By doing that, we’re not aiming to solve everything all at once. We’re just aiming to soften the second arrow.

2. Focus on what is still here.

   When pain enters the room, it has a way of becoming the whole room. It can narrow our vision until all we can see is what hurts or how we’ve been wronged. In that regard, one of the most defiant things we can do is notice what is still here. The cup of tea or coffee with a friend, the hand squeeze, or even just the breath that still comes. This is where a simple gratitude practice can help: name three things that are still present, still steady, or still good, even in the middle of the hard thing. I want to be clear here that we’re not trying to pretend that everything is hunky dory. That is toxic positivity. What I’m suggesting is that we’re still looking for what is going well. We’re acknowledging that everything is not fine, and there is still something good here.

3. What is needed now?

   When we’re in pain, or someone we love is hurting, the mind can spiral fast. “What can we do? What if this gets worse? How do I fix this?” But often the most useful question is much smaller. It only requires us to ask “what is needed now?” We’re not aiming to solve it all. We might just try and think what matters in this very moment. This question brings us out of helplessness and back into loving action - whether that is for ourselves or for others around us. Sometimes resilience is simply making the cup of tea and talking about the day we had. But it all stems from awareness.

Whether it’s big or small, pain is part of being human. It’s inevitable, no matter how hard we might try to avoid it. Sooner or later it will show up and we’ll feel that first arrow.

But maybe the work is to meet that pain with a little more awareness and tenderness. To notice the second arrow before it lands, take a breath, and try to look for what is still good.

Until next time friends, stay resilient. And perhaps try some meditation.

Carré at Resilient Minds

PS - I help organizations, individuals, and young people build practical resilience skills to better handle life’s challenges. If you’re interested in 1:1 coaching, a team workshop, or having me speak with students or athletes at a school or sports club, hit reply and let’s chat.