Name it to tame it.

Let’s start with a quick story…

The two monks. 

Two Buddhist monks were travelling when they came to a river where a woman was struggling to cross. The older monk carried her across, then set her down and walked on. Hours later, the younger monk said, “I can’t believe you carried that woman across the river! We’re not supposed to touch women.”

The older monk needed a moment to work out what he was talking about. When he realized that the younger monk was referring to something that happened much earlier, he replied: “I set her down hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?”

…

Which monk are we? In our business, our relationships, our leadership? It’s worth thinking about, because improving our resilience is often about knowing when (and how!) to let go.

Sometimes we’re like the older monk, able to let go of our emotions easily and move on. But often we’re more like the younger monk, continuing to carry the emotional weight longer than necessary. That silent stress we’re carrying is costing us clarity, creativity and connections.

But we can do something about it.

The reason we tend to respond emotionally comes from a combination of evolutionary wiring and the speed in which our brains work.

Our brain has evolved through prioritizing survival over logic. Our amygdala acts as our emotional alarm system, processing threats faster than the more modern prefrontal cortex, which is our rational thinking hub. We survived as a species because we were able to feel fear instantly and run from the predator rather than pause and analyze what’s going on.

The other factor is processing speed. Emotional signals take a kind of shortcut, going from the sensory part of our body to the amygdala before our rational processing kicks in. Simply put, feelings are fast, while logic lags.

If we can find a way to shift our thinking from emotional to logical, we’ll feel lighter, more in control, more resilient. To do that, naming the emotion is often our best weapon.

Naming it to tame it.

This excellent tool can be used in situations where we feel emotions taking over. Think of the frustrations we might feel at the office or at home. Maybe we get left out of a meeting, triggering defensiveness. Or someone throws last-minute changes to our work, spiking frustration and overwhelm. Sound familiar?

When that happens, we get all sorts of feels, and then those feels can also affect us physiologically - dry mouth, shaking, elevated heart rate in some circumstances.

So we need something to help us shift the odds in our favour. This is where naming it to tame it comes into play.

The phrase comes from neurologist and psychiatrist, Dr. Dan Siegel. He suggests that we treat the sequence as a kind of process to shift our thinking from emotional brain to logical brain. We first notice the emotion, and label it with words to shift our state.

“They left me out of the meeting.” (trigger)

“I feel defensive” (label)

(the rational brain kicks after we use logic to determine the emotion)

“Oh, perhaps they know how busy I am and want to give me time back.” (or any other perspective/response/reframe we want to explore).

This isn’t just us trying to forget how we’re feeling. Instead, this strategy helps us NOT get swept up in emotions or jump to conclusions. It also supports us creating a small space to take a pause and respond rather than react.

And doing this means we’re literally shifting our brain activity from primitive circuits to higher-order thinking.

Ways to practice.

1. Two words. When we feel the tension rising, we can stop and ask ourselves what two words best describe our emotional state. One word will do, but two words forces us to think even more logically. For example, we might be frustrated and anxious. And we’ve just named it! It’ll likely take a few seconds to really think, but it’s helping us get out of the emotional swamp we might find ourselves in.

2. Physiological sigh. This 10-second breathing technique can make an immediate impact. The breath requires 2 breaths in through the nose and one big audible sigh put through the mouth. But, in this case, we can leverage it further when we’re naming our feeling. “I am” for the two breaths in and “the feeling” on the breath out. I created a more detailed video for you to see how to do it (also below).

3. Calendar/alarm pause. It might sound fluffy but we can add a couple of timers in throughout the day to help us notice our emotions. It’ll help build the habit of noticing before reacting. When that alarm goes off, we simply take 15 seconds to play a self-awareness game. What emotion are we feeling at that exact time? Feel it. Say it. Tame it.

4. See it. This one is just about having the reminder visibly present somewhere close by. For example, a small sticky note on the desk serves as another reminder that we are not our thoughts. If the emotions kick in, the visual reminder is a great cue to name it out loud and then we get to work.

5. A thought is a thought. Lastly, my friend Nikki Hedstrom wrote a great kids book that covers this subject. It’s called “A thought is a thought” and it’s been brilliant for our boys over the years. It’s also a useful reminder for adults. Once we‘ve named our emotions, we can remember that they are not us. Too often we tend to connect to our emotions as if they are part of our identity, but they’re not. They’re just thoughts.

These days, it’s quite easy to get caught up in our full swing of emotions. Our natural instinct is to allow our emotions to take over, but we need to remember the monks.

The younger monk carried feelings for hours. We tend to carry emotions for days, weeks, sometimes years. Resilience starts with noticing the load and having the courage to set it down.

Until next time friends, stay resilient.

Carre @ Resilient Minds .

PS – Back-to-school energy is coming which means pressure is about to spike, and it’s a ripe time for a workshop for your team. My workshops will help your people adapt quickly, lead under pressure, and stay sharp when it matters most. Pls reply to this email and I’ll send you options that could work for your team.