"Why me?" -> "Why not me?"

A few weeks ago I was picking my son up from taekwondo practice, running late and desperate for parking spot to make it on time. There was almost a spot right in front of the building, but someone had parked poorly and a car was taking up two spots.

This is one of my all-time pet peeves. I’m not sure why, but when I self-examine it, I think it comes down to the fact that I can’t abide waste. If everyone parked efficiently, then more people would be able to find a spot, saving time and frustration.

Alas, I had to park down the street and jog to the venue to grab my son. Adding to the impact of the moment, I was also in a hurry and didn’t have a minute to spare. That’s when my brain kicked in to playing the victim card. That useless question: “why does this always happen to me?” 

It seems to arrive in a moment of weakness in which we feel like the world is conspiring against us. It’s as if that person purposely parked that way just to piss me off. It’s hilarious when we think about it.

Fortunately, I’m prepared for such situations! 😉 

These are the moments of life when my tools kick in. Focus on what’s in my control, practice gratitude, look for the opportunity etc. But this time I also remembered a simple hack that is available to us with the language we choose to use. I’d been reminded of it recently from a recovering cancer survivor. He had this awesome language rule to reframe what sucks.

He flipped the “why me” mentality to “why not me?”

You see, for that man, he was confident in his ability to handle it. He’d already seen his fair share of tough challenges in life, and he believed that he’d get through it. And that’s the mindset shift that I’m drawn to. It’s that moment where we can reset and recognize that we have the strength to take it on. That we’ve done the work to prepare ourselves to get through anything.

For me that day, I immediately reminded myself that I had the capability to gently jog that short distance to the class. That I was much better prepared than some elderly grandma who might also be picking up a grandchild. A small reframe like that was quick and easy. The tiny burden lifted and life moved on.

Of course, that’s easy with small challenges, but when the sh*t really hits the fan, it’s not quite that easy. Saying “why not me?” when we’ve just been let go or someone close to us gets a serious call from the doctor, that can be a hard pill to swallow. But that’s when this mindset shift matters the most.

“Why me?” vs “Why not me?”

Some people are carrying burdens that would flatten others. We can’t simply erase that pain, so the goal is to do something about the suffering that comes with it. We have to do our best to slowly reclaim whatever power we have over that moment.

I’ve always been a huge believer in the power of language. Words matter. The way we talk to ourselves matters. Even the tone we express when we’re trying to communicate can make the message land or flop. Here’s a simple example:

“I didn’t say we should kill him.”
“I didn’t say we should kill him.”

A tiny shift in emphasis can alter everything. And, if that’s true in simple communication with others, then imagine the impact of the emphasis we use with ourselves every day.

Many great athletes out there understand the power of self-talk. Serena Williams, Michael Phelps, Mohammed Ali’s “I am the greatest”. Researchers in sports psychology have repeatedly found that constructive self-talk improves confidence, emotional regulation, focus, and performance under pressure. We can use it too at the office or in everyday life. That internal dialogue can become a weapon for good or it can become a hand grenade going off in our pockets every single day.

And most people underestimate how often they speak negatively to themselves.

“I always screw this up.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“Of course this happened to me.”

And that voice inside our head often says things to us that we would never say to another human being. It can tear us down and magnify flaws. That voice also lies to us more than any politician out there.

So, if we don’t challenge it, we might start living inside the limits of the story it creates.

Lifting these ideas and applying them to the real world, here are a few ideas to help us find that helpful inner voice:

1. Interrupt the spiral early.

   Most emotional spirals begin with a sentence or prior belief such as: “I always mess this up.” Resilient people learn to interrupt those thoughts before they become identity. Instead of telling ourselves that we’re terrible at speaking, we can try to remember that we’re always learning to communicate under pressure. That small language shift creates psychological space. Catch the sentence early and redirect it before the spiral gains momentum.

2. Victim vs hero thinking.

   Victim thinking focuses on helplessness, while hero thinking focuses on what’s in our control. Heroes believe they still have influence inside the struggle. When life punches us in the mouth, we should look for what is still within our control. That single question changes posture, moves us from passive to active, and reminds us that we still have a role in shaping what happens next.

3. Rehearse the response.

   Elite athletes rehearse confidence ahead of time. They know that the brain listens to repetition and the more we reinforce the idea, the more it sinks in. We can create a simple cue phrase to return to under stress: “Why not me? I’ve trained for this. I am calm. I am ready.”

I’ve loved language my whole life. As a voracious reader when I was younger, to writing my own stuff, and now to speaking in front of large audiences. The words, the tone, the delivery… it all matters. It’s sad that we don’t always speak nicely to ourselves, but the magic of life is that we have an opportunity to change that any moment we wish.

Until next time friends, stay resilient.

Carré @ Resilient Minds

PS - “why not me” is a capability message. It adds to the belief that we’re ready for whatever lies ahead and the start of a powerful internal force that we can muster when we need. But to help us get through it, we need to practice. So try it for a week and let me know how it goes. You got this!